I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
