yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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