You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
