chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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