I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I puked a lego.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
