More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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