I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
