Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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