We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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