Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
