man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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