What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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