He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
