thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
