A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
