i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
