im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
