I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
