Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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