Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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