TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
