her facebook's as public as her vagina
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
