"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
