I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
