Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
