Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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