Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
