bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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