I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
