haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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