I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
