glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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