Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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