Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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