Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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