i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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