Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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