Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
