I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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