I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
