New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
