I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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