Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
