And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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