Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
