next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
