i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
