So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
