i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
