Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
