I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
