I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
