I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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