If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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