Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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