Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
